when you are not here,
i begin to imagine why



you spend the vast majority
of your time fucking some
girl who doesn't know why the
sky is blue or what sort of
heart you have
it's not beautiful but i don't
for a minute think you
see it as that
is she just a way to pass time,
oh you and i both know it
is not love,
elusive definition or nothing at all


you have been gone for three days
and i don't miss you because
i cannot remember your face
you are a shadowed thought
a half-forgotten
but where are you,
and are you hiding?



you are at the town square
sitting at a little table with a
high-necked coat and a knotted
red scarf, mug of coffee or
tea cupped between gloved hands.
you are outside a cafe in
winter, hiding behind your glasses
by yourself.
i wonder if you are lonely
i pray that you are not



i sit with my knees crushed to
my chest, fingers keeping
nervous rhythm on stilted legs
because it has been too long
the minute hand on the clock is
pacing my breathing, but it
is too fast
you promised,
i know you promised
to tell me when
you would leave me



the police find your body
bleeding in the gutter
wish i could be bleeding with you
but you are leaving rivers behind
those pretty little fingers

the neighbour's dog is barking
and are you breathing,
i wonder if you can hear it-
policeman crying
mother crying
me crying
hope you know i miss you.

It's late and my head's spinning
A distant choas yet I'm so close to it
Sitting in a daze wondering....
Wondering if there's any good in my life
Sighing and almost crying my eyes out

Some stolen whiskey and sappy thoughts
Numb the chaos in my head
And give me a warm, fuzzy feeling
Only God as witness now as I sit alone
Drinking, not caring about the world

The fireworks sound off around me
The music plays softly from the speakers
And here I am, trying not to hurt myself again
Using writing as my way to escape
As my way out of it all

And as my mind numbs, and the pain dulls
The feeling that there's no one to hold me dawns
And settles upon me like a black cloud
Spinning constantly above my head
With only the idea of someone called Jesus for company

And the urge to pick up the razorblade
And pass it along my scarred, imperfect skin
Just to feel the release that it brings me
The feeling of pain, just to feel alive
somewhat whole when I know I'm not

I try so hard to resist the temptation
To leave the blade where it is
To not see the beads of redness form on my skin
And fumble over the keyboard to write
To escape the urge....the feeling...

More than anything in my world,
you're all I can think of,
no matter what happens to me,
I just care about you.

I can't shake the feeling of lonliness,
when you're not around,
no matter what happens around me,
I just want to be with you.

Even when I'm being hurt,
I only think of your safety,
no matter what kills me,
you being alive is all that matters.

I shake when I see you,
I shiver when we speak,
no matter where we are,
you're always on my mind.

I feel crimson fluids trickle,
I taste my dark red filled mouth,
no matter the cause,
it's heartache that gets to me.

I kiss your lips,
our fingers intertwine,
my eyes glued to yours,
our hearts communicating.

This is love.

Let's play a game
You've already won.
I'm just waiting for you
To realize it all.  

Put my soul at ease.
It's ready to burst,
But I can't say it first.

Magic is apparent.
We need not pretend.
Just hold me close,
As the moon shines blue.

Give our light the news,
And let's watch in merriment
At the dancing hues
Amid the warm darkness.