Sometimes life is all blue black

and today is a day that feels like this. Like this - meaning the feeling of drowning. I'm drowning - in self-pity; in self-hatred; in self-doubt.
My dear friend,
you know who you are. This is a letter that goes out to you.
It breaks the tiny bit that is left of my heart, to know that you are drowning too. And even more so, that I can't do anything about it. Because deep down I know that no matter what I say, you will still feel purposeless. You know, why I know that? I feel the same. I feel as if there was nothing in this world that would stop without me. It's true, you know. If I weren't here, the world would continue. My family, friends, everyone that I have ever encountered, and everyone that I haven't, will continue living. That is a fact. But, my dear friend, do not dare to believe for one second that it would not change the world. You leaving, me leaving, would change everything.
How would you feel if I chose to give up now? If I weren't here tomorrow anymore?
I know how I would feel, if you weren't. A part of me would die with you. And every day that comes after your leaving, I wouldn't be the same. I would try and call you and then I would break down in the middle of the street, in front of my class, all by myself, because I'd remember that you are not, while I am.
And how awfully painful would it be to never get to know what you could have achieved?
When I look at you, I see yellow. I see bright colors beaming around and life makes sense for a very short while. Life is not blue black, when you're around; and when it is, it's mixed with yellow.
Yellow, my favorite color. You're yellow.
Imagine a world without yellow. WIthout honey and sunshine and warmth. Believe it or don't, but the day you leave, the warmth will leave for the people around you.
I don't want to pretend like we would all just stop living, because we wouldn't. We would continue to live, but you, my friend, know best of them all that you can live without being alive. I know that I can live without being alive. If you were not, I would be even less alive.
Maybe for now, that is your purpose. It might not be a lot to you, but for me it means feeling alive on a day that I wanted to die, because you took me to a lake. For me it means feeling alive after an anxiety attack. Feeling alive, after my brothers took away any yellow that I had and made it all blue black.
When life is all blue black, my dearest yellow friend, don't you dare give up, if it's not for you, don't give up for me.
I need you.
- P