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Heulkrämpfe. Ohne ton.  Echt.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Why?

I saw him yesterday in the pub. He just said hello. And i saw him today. In the train. I called him. But no answer. I wrote him a sms. He wrote me back! He was in the power-training in näfels.

I can't forget him. He's on my mind. So much time. It is so unbelievable.

I believe
In October as he finished our relationship. I didn't feel much. I didn't feel a lot of pain. The tears came just as I read his e-mail. He's written so…wonderful. And so friendly. And so sensible.
His last phrase was: "if you want it….I'm still here for you…and so…."
And last Sunday I read it again. Tears came again. But a lot of tears.

And today I'm again so sad.
It seems like the feelings came now. The feelings that should come in October.
But they come now and I can't stand it.

I must be in love with *****. I must! I have to!
But I am not from the deepest point in my heart. I am so sorry for him.
But I can not tell him this. He would get hurt. Very hurt.
Each other girl would love him. He brings me roses. And flowers. And so many gifts.
But these material things….they do not say me a lot. Not to my heart. Do you understand?

I know I am very complicated. Too complicated. I hate my feelings. Why can't I love like all other people on this world? It's so "peinlich" ….
I hope for real love in my life. One day….when I can like my feelings.

sOo finGs aN.

maybe i'm missing him...
maybe not...
maybe he's an asshole…
maybe an angel…
maybe it's a dream…
maybe an illusion…

but the REALITY is
i am so stupid.
too stupid for love.

i thought about him
the whole night long
and now…
he's still on my mind.

???what is the reason???

i'm just baffled…a little bit.
since yesterday evening
as I looked into his face
his beautiful face.
and talked to him.
and laughed with him.
all at once he stood behind me
and put his hand on my face,
on my nose and my mouth
just for a short time
just as a joke.
but i could smell his specially flavor.

and everything was coming back to me.
the times that i relived with him.

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